Reflections on gravity

I haven't really touched upon the (original) motives behind my switch of lifestyle. What got me moving? Really... was it the stomach ache? Nope, didn't bother me at that time. Was it my bad mood. Nope, had no clue that it could be connected to what I ate...well yes, the sugar dips I kind of figured, but all that other typical "women's mood" - no clue - thought it was my personality and both I myself and my surrounding would have to live with it (poor them). Was it the PMS? Nope, once again no clue that my monthly pains could be remotedly connected to what I was eating. Did I feel like I was eating unhealthy and that got me on the path of better eating habit? Nope, not that either... Mostly (when I could stay away from that chocolate) I ate pretty decent food - a salad for lunch, typical homecooked food in the evening - some bread in the morning or together with the salad, icecream once in a while...Typical standard food for a woman my age.

What really got me triggered was my annoyingly jumping weight. I mean, every freaking time I did one of my "patiperra-ventures" (read: lived abroad for an extended time), I returned home not only speaking another language fluently, but also a couple of sizes bigger (exception first period in Chile - I got hooked on salsa...). Then I got into the mood of loosing weight, ran some 5-6 times a week, lived my life in the aerobic and spinning classes and skipped as much junk food as possible. It worked fine, until Kidone... During that maternity leave I realized I would never have the time to loose the extra kilos as before. At the same time I heard about carb-detoxing and eating GI. Got myself detoxed, lost most of my extra kilos and continued with my life (read: avoiding carbs, still not cutting out all wheat/sugar of my diet). Soon I was back at eating the free dessert at lunch at work... second pregnancy, major stress in my life, later two small children, breastfeeding, and even more stressful surrounding, no time for myself, not to mention my eating habits - total, I mean TOTAL disaster for my body and particularly my body weight. I avoided the mirror and just bought some comfy clothes - after all, there was no time to think of such things as gravity.

So when the second breastfeeding period was about to finish, I got myself into the mood of carb-detox again. It worked the first time, it would work this time as well... But this time the Low Carb High Fat (LCHF) movement was becoming stronger. I came across Anna Hallén's books and I started to understand the importance of "sticking to it" and not only detoxing. I decided to take the change as a lifestyle change, not a dietary one. My original goal was to loose weight and stick to it but as the weight started to disappear, I suddenly realized that there is more to it than weight. My brainfog disappeared and without having to go out running all the time I started to feel lighter (yes I know, I still need to get into some sort of physical training...). Once I switched away from the creamy, buttery LCHF towards a more balanced 'no junk' policy (read: no refined sugar, no wheat, very little milk, lots of veggies and nutrient-dense food - inspired by 'Råsmart Familj') I had already lost some 5 kilos but since then I lost track of my weight. Six months later when I stepped on the scale I was shocked. What!! I was back in the weight from high school! How could this be?!?! Thorughout my fitness-frenzies I had never made it this far down the scale. Haha, I was almost below my comfort weight in high school, the one that triggered me to even start 'yoyo' dieting in those days...

Ok, I had noticed that even my "skinny" jeans were falling off, but with this busy life of mine I just fixed it with a belt. Nice to walk around in loose pants for once. Last fall people also started commenting how 'tiny' I had become. Friends and parents-in-law with a voice of admiration -'what's the secret?' . And then my own parents' comments with a notion of concern - 'was I not just starving myself?'. No, I wasn't. Ironically enough I was not even thinking too much of my new size. I only thought of it when getting dressed for a party (Sh*t, all my clothes are too big - I have no time to go shopping!) or in these moments of receiving 'feedback from the crowds'. Other than that I just counted the benefits of sticking to the plan in other touchable results (see the initial questions in this post).

Today we passed by the weekly flea market downtown. I came across a pair of good brand white pants, just the model I've be thinking of, not having had time to go shopping... Size - never dreamed of getting above my knees in my previous life. I asked hubby if he thought they would fit - he said yes, surely. The seller looked at me with a strange look and said - but if they fit her, then sure they will fit me as well. I looked at her hips, wasn't convinced. Ran off to a café nearby and what would I know - these pants were just perfect. You see, since I started to feel a balance between the mental me and the bodily me I kind of lost track of sizes. Today, I have a hard time identifying myself with the size I have become... Everytime I go out running I am also struck by the light feeling - where did all that extra cargo go? Is running really supposed to be this light? I am amazed. Maybe my mind will catch up one day - or maybe I will become fixed with my bodymass if it starts moving upwards again... but for now I just feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of balance that I just... stick to it!

So when I read blogsposts on weight - like this one in Swedish by Anne Hietanen:  You are so much more beautiful than you think - a post on weight, I just get inspired to comment (and yes, I did, the reason why I am now extending my refelctions). Whatever is on the outside has nothing to do with the inside. The worst thing you can do is artificially force yourself downwards the scale. It is just pointless - your body will trick you back up, with a vengence... The best thing you can do for your own mental peace is to LISTEN to your body (once you get rid of your food addiction, obviously) and let it to the work for you. Find your balance and stick to it. The rest will follow.

My own top priority is still to balance out the stress that my mind is forcing my body to put up with. Why do I do this to myself?!? I am painfully aware of the backfire risk that this might have on my overall health - so far I think my diet has saved me but I really need to figure out my limitations on time management and get some physical activity into the picture, or else I am sure this mental peace won't hold for long... cortisol and all that stuff - messing with belly fat and a good nights sleep. 

Cheers for breaking my promise on a web-free vacation. Such a sucker...At least I am not online 24-7.